Letter from our President during holidays 2009

Fellow Americans,

Santa has asked me to communicate with you this holiday season (notice I didn’t say Christmas) concerning changes about to take place in Santa’s annual gift giving tradition. It has had problems the past few years as you know from previous notes from the North Pole. First Santa, then Mrs. Claus (her name is Bertha, incidentally), and last year Executive Elf Jimmy John wrote to inform you of various difficulties their gift giving tradition was encountering. Let me remind you of some of those difficulties

The elves demanded health insurance, paid vacation, and higher pay. Children’s interest in traditional toys was greatly declining and they were now requesting mainly electronic gadgets which the elves had no idea how to produce, and so ordered them from China where Santa finally had to send some of the smarter elves to learn their procedures while aiding the Chinese with some unrelated quality control issues. Even with a discount for the quality control help, this was a great expense for Santa, who was beginning to think about taking a long vacation.

Santa has no income and survives on generosity of a few extremely rich people. Mrs. Claus does have a small Social Security monthly payment from her days working at the zoo in Milwaukee before Santa convinced her to marry him and live at the North Pole with a large reindeer population. In order to take the vacation he desired and continue his toy giving, Santa would need additional funding, so he and Mrs. Claus opened The North Pole Ice Cream Parlor which Santa manages while Mrs Claus took up gardening (reindeer manure is great fertilizer).

Because of global warming, it both ventures quickly became very successful. But just as quickly, Santa became tired of scooping ice cream and was ready to travel beyond viewing the world once a year from the sky or roof tops. He decided to sell the business and the rights to use his name on products and in advertizing until he was ready to reclaim them.

After buying a travel trailer, he and with Mrs. Claus, toured the U.S.A using part of this stream of income to maintain the elves and assure continued holiday gift giving. Unfortunately, Mrs. Claus fell in love with casinos’ black jack tables and could have lost Santa’s ability to give anything to anyone, so they returned to the North Pole (no casinos there yet).

By this time the North Pole’s warehouses were full of traditional toys that few children seemed to want, although the elves continued making them. At this point, most of the elves stopped working and began enjoying the now much warmer climate, swimming in the newly appearing lakes and partaking in outdoor sports of all types including a lot of frolicking which is drastically increasing the elf population. Also the warmer weather brought tourists who give big tips to the reindeer for sleigh rides.

Very few of the reindeer are now willing to make the annual, grueling one night trip around the world. Those reindeer still dedicated to Santa’s yearly world trip, complain bitterly about the weight of all the old-fashioned toys Santa is clearing out of the warehouses and dumping on children who don’t want them.

This is where I, as president of the United States come in. Santa has asked for my help, and though I am extremely busy giving speeches about a multitude of problems I have inherited, I will not let him or the children, at least of the United States, down.

Therefore I initiated a committee which included myself, elf representative Jimmy John, the chief reindeer ,Rudolph, Mrs. Claus, my daughters , and my personal advisors who wish to remain anonymous . Working together we have come up with a plan to save Santa’s gift-giving tradition, at least in our country. As you can probably guess, a stimulus package is the first action we are taking. We are calling it G.I. F. T.S. (Get Income for Toys to Santa). Santa will be given five million dollars to help with this year’s expenses. Where will the money come from I’m sure you’re asking. Since there are no funds in our treasury that can be used for this purpose, the money will have to come from you.

Taxes on the toys you buy will quickly replace the millions of dollars the stimulus provided according to all the consumer polls on the subject. They show that children, except infants who cannot as yet speak, are requesting, as Santa puts it, “expensive electronic gadgets” causing the annual dollar amount spent for children’s toys to raise quicker than the divorce rate. Therefore a twenty percent tax on any and all toys is in effect immediately, thanks to the swift action of Nancy Pelosi and others of like mind in the House and Senate.

Necessarily along with this annual, as needed stimulus package come restrictions which can be found in various chapters of the G.I.F.T.S bill. The most important of these restrictions and rules I’ve included in this letter. For example, toys bought with stimulus funds must be made in America. The elves won’t like this very much since most of them will have to go back to school and then back to work, instead of enjoying sports and frolicking, but a price must be paid for progress. Rudolph has assured the committee members, that the reindeer will comply with a new work policy if they are allowed one half of their work time for providing tourists sleigh rides, now that global warming has entered the picture. The tips involved here have left them in fine financial shape.

No stimulus money is to be spent on a child getting any grade lower than a C on his or her report card. Also any child who does get a gift acquired because of stimulus money must be involved in a sport, dance class, or some other physical activity on a regular basis. We’ve tied in this condition because of its probable effect and the cost of health care and therefore the health care bill still being discussed in Congress. We must have physically fit children.

Finally, and most important, any child receiving an electronic device which would cost more than $50 retail must never talk back to a parent, must do homework cheerfully, and all chores requested in a timely manner. Naturally you are asking, how will Santa know what your children are doing in regard to these things? As outlined in the stimulus bill, parents must completely fill in the requested information on forms available on line or at your local post office and sent them to the Classification of Gift Receivers Committee (details of this committee can be found on pages 714 to 857 of the legislation). Please allow five hours to complete each form as they are quite detailed. Also, some of the wording is thought to be confusing by the few senators and representatives who voted against the bill and the related forms needed to implement it. It was suggested by these nay sayers that in order to know how to fill out these forms correctly most people without a law degree from one of the better law schools would have to hire an n extremely expensive attorney.

In any event, when members of the committee receive your completed weekly forms for 50 consecutive weeks as requested, the elf committee members, using the simple formula found on pages 858 to 905 in the legislation will determine who may be eligible to receive a gift from Santa.

Thus, because of changes initiated by me, the holiday Santa gift giving tradition has been saved. Please often remind your children of this so that when they are old enough to vote they will vote for me, since my advisors and I are now working for changes in the constitution that would permit a president to hold the office for an unlimited number of consecutive terms.

Coming soon will be a $5.00 stimulus check for your personal use.
Cash it immediately, as funds are decreasing quickly,

Your President,
Barack O’Bama

Following are previous year's letters you might enjoy.

Happy Holidays, but a very happy and holy Christmas.

Carol

Letter from Elf Jimmy John at Christmas 2008

Dear Folks,

My name is Jimmy-Jim. I am the president of (S.E.W), Smart Elf Workers in China, where this letter is coming from as the holidays approach Santa or Mrs. Clause usually send caring adults a Christmas message about what’s going on at the North Pole, but this year I’ve been asked to write for them.

Santa wants you all know that he and Mrs. Claus are well. Santa is now fully retired, but has signed a Use of Name Contract giving permission to anyone paying a fee to continue to use his name to get children to behave and merchants to sell their products during the holidays. Mrs. Claus and Santa opened an ice cream parlor with some of this new income. (They never could have done it with just social security that’s for sure). It was expected to do well as the temperatures rose. The temperatures at the North Pole were in the 50’s most of the time a year ago.

Sadly, the ice cream parlor failed. Gasoline prices were the problem. The North Pole population, except for us elves, is very spread out. Folks get around in cars, trucks, and snowmobiles. Only Santa was lucky enough to have reindeer transportation. However, as the price of gasoline rose everyone took up reindeer hunting, not to kill, but to begin desperate attempts at trying to figure out Santa’s secret for getting them to pull a sleigh and even to get airborne for longer distances. Many actually did get off the ground but the minute a sleigh was attached the reindeer refused to move. That ended that, sort of… Now there are whole herds of reindeer flying around in the sky just for the fun of it. You don’t want to be around when they take a poop or pee I’ll tell you.

Mrs. Claus tried operating a gardening business next, but that didn’t work out either. The reindeer poop she was going to use as fertilizer was just too fragrant for the area around the house. Santa complained constantly even threatening divorce. It was a difficult decision for Mrs. Claus, she loves gardening.

Their arguing didn’t stop there, however. Santa decided it was time for them to travel. He wanted to see the world, not just roof tops, the inside of chimneys, and fireplaces. So he bought a travel trailer. (Santa had that big new source of income, don’t forget.) Mrs. Claus had a fit about this. She had no desire to leave her lovely home and the huge number of craft and sewing projects that would be left mostly untouched. Santa threatened to go without her so she told him to jump in the lake, which he did. There was a nice big lake on their property, thanks again to global warming. Eventually they put her things in storage, sold their North Pole home and headed south. According to Santa’s first e-mail about the trip, Mrs. Claus was learning to play black jack at a casino in Las Vegas and Santa was enjoying the Las Vegas scenery (the showgirls).

Meanwhile many of the elves remained at the North Pole. They are being provided with a pension thanks to Santa’s Use of Name Contract. The rest of us headed for China. They wanted us to come over and help them straighten out the problems they are having with some of their toy products that have been found to be unsafe since they recognized that we are the truly toy experts.

We’re working hard to fix their problems, but we’re also learning a lot—the Chinese language, origami, rice patty farming, and even egg roll making. The two activities we enjoy the most though are Chinese flute playing, saki drinking. We do love sake drinking. When it’s done along with egg roll making, or origami the results can be quite surprising. We’ve learned not to imbibe while working in rice paddies (you fall down a lot), and the saki does have a disastrous effect on our Chinese as a Second Language.
In spite of that, we do always have a bottle with us to drink in place of water. We only drink the water if we’re constipated.

We all miss the North Pole and can’t wait to get back. Our fellow elves tell us the weather is becoming very pleasant thanks to global warming. Lakes have formed and plant life is increasing. It is now a lovely, fun place to live Many of the elves have taken up golf, line dancing, and fishing now the temperatures are in the sixty’s much of the time. They also have continued making toys (electronic mostly) for themselves. Gameboys, Xboxes, and computers are a few of the “toys” the North Pole elves now have. Besides that, they tell us they’re “frolicking” all over the place. The elf population has doubled in the past year! Luckily there’s a lot of space up there. No overcrowding is anticipated.

. .
Santa has e-mailed them that he’s thinking of moving back. He’s getting bored without a job, and driving the huge trailer and putting up with Mrs. Claus’s backseat driving is getting to him. He’s remembering how much he enjoyed his reindeer and sleigh. Mrs. Claus has offered to drive once in while, but according to Santa, that would be an accident waiting to happen, and he’d have a heart attack for sure. Also he’s afraid Mrs. Claus is enjoying the casinos a little too much. She loves black jack, roulette and the slot machines with cherries. Wherever they travel the first thing she does is find out where the casino is. Santa’s Use of Name Contract revenue is shrinking fast— Mrs. Claus hasn’t won in a long time. Since there are no casinos in the North Pole, Santa keeps reminding her of all her craft projects that are boxed up in the storage building near where they used to live and that the price of homes has come down so she could have a larger home up there now for less money—a house with more room for craft projects.

Santa says to tell you he is truly sorry for any inconvenience his retiring has caused you, but he may be back. We’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, I and the rest of the elves here in China wish you a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Finally remember to watch for recall notices before you buy toys made in China this year. By next year we’ll have the problems fixed for sure, and we’ll be back where we belong.

Sincerely,
Elf Jimmy-Jim

Letter from Santa at Christmas 2007

Dear Folks,

Well it’s that time of year again and unfortunately I’ve had to make some changes up here. I know things will be better eventually, but because of the sagging economy, even at the North Pole, I’ve had to lay off many elves (the more technologically adept ones) who have the best chance of getting work down below. Many of them have packed up and are moving south. Be happy about these arriving little people because they will bring with them the need for new sized housing, furniture, transportation and more, which means jobs, jobs that will replace many jobs that, at least temporarily, no longer exist.

Besides reducing the size of my work force there are additional cost-cutting measures I have had to take. I know most children have electronic toys or gadgets on their Christmas lists, but due to their high production cost (only a small number of the elf workers that haven’t headed south have the skill necessary to produce these highly desired and extremely expensive gismos now). We now import most of them from China although the costs of doing this have skyrocketed. From now on there be few electronic toys from Santa.

This year, the remaining elves with Santa’s help will produce lots of jump ropes, roller skates, ice skates, bicycles, balls of all sorts and along with bats and hockey sticks where appropriate. Children will also be receiving: handyman and kitchen tools, harmonicas, flutes, building blocks of all sorts, puzzles, books, and board games. In other words we’re going back to basics and the elves are very happy about that because they are exceptionally skilled toy craftsmen and women who are again using skills they’ve developed through many, many years.

Although the children might not be happy about their gifts from me this year, at least they won’t be oblivious to the rest of the world, with their ears plugged and wired into a small apparatus intently staring at its LCD screen as they click away, probably shooting at something or someone visible there.

They won’t realized it, but this year’s gifts from me will help them keep extra pounds off, have fun with their friends, learn life skills, boost their brain power, appreciate the beauty of music, and realize how enjoyable it is to read a book. Besides that happy fact, our costs for this Christmas’s gifts to the children of the world will actually go way down. No donations are needed this year.

Therefore Merry Christmas to All and to All a Goodnight. .

Hello to Everyone from the North Pole, (letter from Mrs. Claus 2006)

Santa is resting on our new deck, so he asked me to let you all know what’s going on up here. First, I must tell you that my dear husband, Santa, and I have not been feeling well lately. The rising North Pole temperature has a lot to do with it the doctors assure us. You see, we are feeling the effects of global warming. Temperatures in the fifties might seem cold to you, but to us a temperature in the 50’s is a heat wave. Although I’ve gone through menopause, I am again often experiencing “hot flashes,” and so is Santa! We have had to modify our wardrobes considerably. Santa is at the moment wearing red fur trimmed shorts and a Dago-tee that says Ho, Ho, Ho. However, by the amount of sweat on his brow I doubt that’s what he’s thinking. I have exchanged my ten-year-old red sweat suit for a pair of daisy dukes and sports bra. It’s not a pretty picture, but I don’t care. I’m cool, at least.

The elves aren’t around today. With the temperature in the 50’s, they’ve decided to go swimming at ocean beach that recently appeared since the big snow melt near their encampment. With the arrival of electronic MP3 players, Playstations, Gameboys, and Xboxes on the toy market, we’ve had to downsize drastically and finally put the elves on extended leave which they are thoroughly enjoying. The reason for our slow down is simple. Our inflexible elves didn’t have a clue how these new electronic gadgets were put together and couldn’t care less. They simply continued making the same toys that children requested 50 years ago until we had such a stock pile of these toys that it was necessary to rent several large storage buildings. And if that isn’t enough, the elves union expects us to continue paying health insurance premiums! Being Santa and me isn’t easy, let me tell you.

On top of all this, Santa is extremely unhappy with the elves about their quickly developing laziness and accompanying weight gain. He was seriously thinking about sending them to Weight Watchers or Jennie Craig until he discovered that the closest facility is an extremely long sleigh ride away and totally over budget. That really didn’t matter though, since the elves aren’t the least bit interested in weight management or fitness programs. They’re too busy enjoying a feast of newly discovered wild berries and frolicking around in the warmer climate. And I do mean frolicking. The elf population is multiplying at an alarming rate.

I have been investigating sending the younger elves to electronic school. Unfortunately these schools are more expensive than diet and fitness programs. Sadly, my salary at the North Pole bakery would only have paid a few of the elves application fees and my job will be gone at the end of the week. No one up here wants to bake all day without air conditioning when the temperature can get into the sixties. Monday we’ll be living on my social security alone. Santa never had a paying job (one that paid with money anyway). Santa thinks an ice cream parlor might become a big business up here because of the warm-up. He wants me to open one after the bakery closes. I told him I'll decide for myself what I'll do in the future, thank you very much. I also told him I think he should stick to Christmas and be thankful for all the kind hearted rich people whose anonymous contributions have helped make him famous. (Perhaps you would like to become one of them. See donation form below). Besides, no ice cream parlor in the North Pole could make enough money to finance sending the thousands of elves to school. (Yes, I said thousands. Besides the daytime frolicking, what do you think adult elves do during the long nighttime up here?)

Speaking of generous rich people reminds me of Bill Gates. I’ve decided to write to him about donating money for the elves’ electronic school. I know he donates computers to schools and libraries all over the world. We don’t have a library here yet—there haven’t been enough people to warrant spending the money, but now, with the warm-up, property values have skyrocketed and I’m sure we’ll have a fine one soon. In fact, Santa and I have been offered a big bundle for our old house and property. (We do have quite a bit of property.) We’re thinking this just might be time to downsize. Honestly, Santa isn’t getting any younger. He’s tired and thinking it would be nice to be home for Christmas for a change. That sounds nice, but it would mean we’d be together a whole lot more time than we are now. I’m not sure either of us is ready for that. You see, we’ve had quite a few of what I’ll call heated disagreements lately, and more togetherness would probably only make it worse. Men (yes even Santa) do get very grumpy as they get older, don’t they?

I sorry I brought my problems up. I ‘m sure you would rather hear that things are great and that Santa, I, the elves, and even the reindeer are just one big happy family singing Christmas Carols as we go about preparing for the big day. Now you know that isn’t so. Don’t worry though; we’ll come through for the kids again this year, but with one small difference. We’ve informed all our Santa’s helpers, who usually listen as children rattle off their wish lists, to tell the kids that this year Santa is going to bring them a surprise present—something very special. And he will. We’re attempting to out get rid of some of the toys in the storage buildings. I hope lots boys will actually enjoy the building blocks, model railroad, erector, and tinker toy sets after they figure out that you don’t just sit and press buttons with these things. The girls will love the baby dolls, buggies, rocking horses, doctor kits, and stuffed animal just as much as they always have and probably won’t even notice they didn’t get an MP3 player.

Once we get rid of our surplus toys and Mr. Gates agrees to supply the money to send the elves to electronic school, we’ll be up to speed on the toy end. Then if Santa decides he needs a rest we’ll put an ad in the papers for a temporary Santa, and my husband will can take his place as ice cream parlor manager. That should keep him busy. I’ve decided to take up gardening. I’ve read reindeer poop is good fertilizer.
Merry Christmas!!
Mrs. Sandy Claus
Yes, I would like to donate to Santa's Christmas Fund

$5,000._____ $10,000______ $100,000_____

Name: Send to: Mrs. S. Claus
Address: 1234 Misletoe Lane
City, State, Zip North Pole

Important Letter From Santa Claus 2005

Dear Folks,

I’m usually on the receiving end of the mail this time of year, but this year is different. I’m writing to let you know about some of the problems we’re having up here at the North Pole lately. First, the cost of reindeer fed, has skyrocketed. In addition, many of the elves are getting older and demanding health insurance and a shorter workweek. Besides that, none of my stubborn elves have any desire to learn how to make the computers, Nintendos, Play Stations, and X-Boxes so many children are asking for lately. So don’t expect any of these things to be under the tree. Finally, the elves refuse to put Barbie’s name on anything they make for the girls. They insist they are craftsmen who make wonderful wooden toys, dolls, sleds, stuffed animals, and the like. And Barbie, they insist, has nothing to do with it.

Because of their defiant attitude, Mrs. Claus and I, and many of the elves, have been forced to take full-time jobs to help defray the cost of buying most of things children are now asking for. Naturally we buy at attractive wholesale prices, but having to buy toys has never, up until now, been a part of our budget. Mrs. Claus is a full-time greeter at our local Wal-Mart in addition to being a part-time fruitcake baker at the North Pole’s busiest bakery. I was able to get a better paying government job because of my knowledge of reindeer. The U.S. Mail Service is hoping I can train a large number of reindeer to fly for them, thus saving the government much of the money they now spend on overnight delivery of mail and packages. With the cost of jet fuel skyrocketing much faster than the cost of reindeer fed, they feel reindeer mail transport might be a good alternative.

Sadly, my own young reindeer are refusing to go to flying school. They say it’s not worth it for a job they only do one night a year and don’t even get paid for. On Christmas Eve, they prefer the warm cozy barn to zooming around in the sky in extremely cold temperatures and possibly stormy conditions. However, most of them are quite happy giving sleigh rides to the tourists who now come frequently to visit us, thanks to global warming. The tourists are great tippers, the reindeer inform me. We split the tips. Every little bit helps you know.

Because of these problems, my time to actually be Santa Claus has become very limited. It’s become necessary to make some changes and you need to be made aware of them. First, because we now have to buy many toys (even with our new jobs there’s no way we can afford the toys most kids are now asking for) we are setting a toy price limit of $5.00 per child up to age 5. After that, there will only be presents for children who truly believe in Santa Claus. Don’t ask how I’ll know that; I’m magic, remember. Also, because of the reduced number of reindeer willing to make the trip, children wanting presents that are smaller and lighter will be given priority.

Now to the actual trip. I do not do chimneys anymore. It’s not just the elves that are aging. It’s no fun being stuck in a chimney, and it certainly isn’t any fun getting burned. Please leave your front door unlocked, or if you don’t want to do that, leave a key under a mat by the door. Don’t worry about robbers; statistics prove they are home with their families on Christmas Eve, just like you. Another thing, Mrs. Claus asks that you don’t leave me any cake or cookies. She thinks I’m getting too fat. I think the chimneys are getting narrower. Instead, she asks that you leave carrot sticks or celery. I think a cold beer would be nice and some money to help with our ever increasing costs. Don’t forget the reindeer. They get really angry when I get a snack and they get nothing. Let me just say the ride gets very bumpy.

Luckily, being magic, I can still make it around the world in one night. Also, there is hope that with selective breeding, the next generation of reindeer will return to be the selfless animals, fortunately, a few of them still are. I don’t have much hope for the elves though. I’m looking into getting robots to do their heavy work. I’m in contact with NASA begging them to donate any robots that are obsolete for their purposes. I also contacted Bill Gates about donating some computers with CAD programs to make producing the toys faster and require fewer elves. He came through with some state of the art computers and special programs. Bill also kindly gave us some Micro-Soft stock which at that time wasn’t doing so well. Now, using the Internet on our new computers, the elves are busy watching Micro-Soft stock. We’re counting on the stockmarket to bounce back soon.

Finally don’t forget to tell the children that they must be good to get presents from me. Many of them seem to be forgetting that lately. Again, I am magic and I still know who’s good and who’s not. So spread the word and send a donation if you can. The reindeer say to come and see us. The wife and I will probably be working, but the reindeer will be glad to give you a ride, and the elves will have a lot of time to sit around and talk once we have some robots and our investments pay off. Finally, ‘Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,’ just like every year.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

P.S. We were working with an ad agency on an updated version of the Merry Christmas to all bit, but like I said money’s a little tight right now.